“His work here is done”

It’s time for Sensei Dad to leave.

Having experienced India for long enough, he feels it’s time to return back to Bromyard where he claims, “you can get a proper curry.” While we’re sad to see him go, it does mean the balance of power shifts back to Memsahib and I, rather than the rotating Eurasia/Eastasia/Oceania smart-arse comment alliances that occurred every breakfast.

As is his style, he departs unseen, with only a puff of smoke masking his vanishing….

And the chorus of barking dogs….

“Mr Bond I presume”

Off to have a black tie ensemble made for a friends’ wedding in April. It’s very easy - I’ll just take the picture in, and ask them to make me look like this. For any man in the last 40 years this really is the gold standard of what they want when they put a dinner jacket on.

What we desperately don’t want is to conjure up images of this.

Shouldn’t have had that side-order

After lunch, we start walking to the dock to meet the boat. What was described as a 20 minute stroll becomes very obviously not when we look at a bus map on the road side after walking 30 minutes and realise we’re only a quarter of the way.

No problem, we decide to flag down a tuk-tuk. We obviously got some kind of tuk-tuk equivalent of a Smart car. While your average tuk-tuk will normally carry 16 locals happily, this one barely allows the three of us inside with me having to squat as the seat isn’t quite wide enough. Much pointing as the driver carries us along, but we make it.

“Ahhhh Cato.”

We’ve moved onto Kochin for a few days to see the fishing nets in the backwaters of Kerala. Rising early the next morning we wander down to the breakfast area to look for Memsahib’s father who suddenly pops up behind us silently with only a whisper on the marble to announce his arrival.

After breakfast we decide to take the tour to see the fishing nets. Just as we’re about to head off the meeting point for the slow boat, the hotel manager comes trotting over and informs us that there’s been a cancellation and the speedboat is free if we’d like to use that instead. As none of us are known for our patience, we agree covering more distance in less time is the best idea.

Getting into the boat proves the challenge of morning; Memsahib goes first as she is the lady and sets off a certain rocking motion. Sensei Dad is next and politely avoids showing us up with any back flips, simply stepping into the boat lightly. Finally I get in with both of them urging the pilot to start up and pull away while I’m straddling the dock and deck. It’s all fun and japes.

After spending a few hours racing down the waterways we arrange to get dropped off for lunch in Fort Kochi. We wander through the town and find a seaside restaurant where I eat the best spicy prawns I’ve had for long time.

Sensei Dad and I start talking about why surfing doesn’t seem to be a big sport in India even though they have thousands of miles of warm coastline. Maybe it’s the difficulty in preparing and maintaining the surfboards I suggest. But it’s quite simple he says; “Wax on, Wax off”.

I especially liked the way he took the stone from my hand...

Sensei Dad and I have flown to Mumbai to meet Memsahib who is networking at a NASSCOM conference – with this many outsourcers in the building, it’s slave-trading 21st century style. I daren’t stand still too long before I’m up on the block having my teeth examined and being shipped off to a distant land never to see my family again – kind of like what I decided to do anyway.

We all manage to escape the post conference drinks, leaving one of Memsahib’s juniors to nurse his two drink hangover from the previous night and head off to a seaside restaurant which Memsahib has been insisting is one of the best in the city. When we get there, we are lead to our table on the beachfront and sit down to discover that the lighting is, shall we say, less than adequate.

Obviously there’s nothing for it but to wind up Memsahib like a clock work toy. Sensei Dad and I sit there making repeated facetious attempts to read the menu by the light of the single table candle and exclaiming about being able to see our food by the landing lights of the planes flying overhead (we are under the flight path to Mumbai airport). Eventually Memsahib deals with us soundly through a few sound cuffs to the head and we settle down and behave.

Meet the parent – Memsahib strikes back

After our visit to my family, it was her turn to flip it onto the home turf by bringing her father over for a lengthy visit.

A man of ancient wisdom who combines the skills of Bruce Lee with the calm presence and dress sense of Chuck Norris but sadly lacks the taciturnity of either.

His karate belt does more than just hold up his trousers.

“And now the lovely Miss Caracas…”

Back to the dentist. Who promptly removes the crown he re-cemented a week ago, as the implant consultant has recommended it be taken out rather than build up problems while I’m away in Delhi. Does he hand back the wedge I paid for him to re-cement it a week ago? Ho, ho, good one sir, a veritable thigh-slapper.

To be fair, he’s a good dentist so I don’t care, pay money for quality when someone’s poking metal in your mouth is my motto. He’s actually not my first dentist, having taken over the surgery from my previous dentist a few years ago, but has kept the unique hiring policy. Dr S had an approach of hiring young dentists from exotic countries who needed to re-certify to work in the U.K. as his assistants. Coupled with a Joanna Lumley Chelsea type as his receptionist, it was always an adventure showing up for an appointment, not knowing if this week it would be the fiery South Americans or the cool Eastern Europeans handing over the instruments.

“Who will rid me of this meddlesome tooth?”

In this week long visit back to London I have to tend to my dental needs. A crown which has always been the rebel of the pack has decided to come loose – possibly due to all the grinding I do when Memsahib wins another discussion.

So we landed on Friday, I saw my dentist on Saturday who glued it back in and booked me for the hygienist on Tuesday and has sent me to the implant consultant Thursday to discuss replacing the crown with an implant and would I like to arrange a second mortgage now or later? I’m starting to understand why three generations ago everyone just had them all removed when they were twenty.

“But how do I sit at the back of the class when it’s remote learning?”

MSc starts today. I’ve started reading the course notes. First piece of formal academic study for 20 years (discount self taught learning, the classes are always held by an idiot.). No pressure. Now I just need to figure out how to turn on my laptop.

Shaping the minds of the future.

Whilst in London, my godson (The Bruiser), his older brother (The Thinker) and their mother (The Leader) are around to catch up with. This is a rare treat as usually they are as far away from me as possible at the northern-most tip of Scotland – I’m not sure their mother trusts my ideas about god-fatherly responsibilities.

So Sunday morning we all head off to the Science Museum in Kensington. This place is great. They’ve revamped the exhibitions and displays since I was last there and they have a section on the top floor devoted to teaching science through interactive displays. The boys and I practically sprint up there and even though the Thinker is playing it cool, you can see he likes trying to work out how to solve the problems.

The comedy aspect is focused around the fathers who’re obsessively showing their children how it’s done – pushy stage mothers have nothing on dads with gadgets.